THE WORLD ACCORDING TO NOBODY

While diligently seeking a subject for today’s blog, NOBODY took a break and watched an old Western movie.

In the movie, the main character, upon learning that a nine-year-old boy couldn’t swim, picked the lad up and tossed him into the river.

So NOBODY, deciding to investigate this barbaric method of educating children, asks:

“Who was the first person to decide the best way to teach a child to swim was to throw the child into a river?”

After a few seconds of cogitating, NOBODY decided it must have been someone who knew absolutely NOTHING about swimming—or the difference between a RIVER and a stock tank, lake, or pond.

Stock tanks, lakes, and ponds can at least provide reasonably current-free places for this particular form of insanity.

A river, on the other hand, can be swift, and the currents can be extremely strong. Strong enough, in fact, to have been the demise of many STRONG SWIMMERS.

And depending on where in the world you decide to conduct this educational experiment, the river may contain a few other surprises.

Like CROCODILES.

Or ALLIGATORS.

Apparently, “Sink or Swim” takes on an entirely different meaning when something in the water is wondering whether you taste like chicken.

Now NOBODY understands the theory behind this form of teaching. The idea is that the “student’s” self-preservation instincts will suddenly kick in and teach the student how to swim.

Of course, stress is not always the world’s greatest teacher.

But lessons ARE learned.

Sometimes by the student.

Sometimes by the teacher.

NOBODY figures the cowboy who tossed the youngster into the river thought that if the child got into trouble, the big, tough cowboy would simply jump in and save him.

Think about that.

A big, tough cowboy—fully clothed.

Hat.

Boots.

Jeans.

Belt.

Holster with a loaded pistol.

Hunting knife.

Maybe a pocketknife.

And whatever other odds and ends rough, tough cowboys stuff into their pockets.

NOBODY thinks this might be what happens:

Big, tough, overdressed—and maybe overweight—cowboy throws child into river.

River current proves too strong for child’s nonexistent swimming skills.

Big, tough cowboy jumps in.

Big, tough cowboy discovers gravity.

Big, tough cowboy sinks.

Somewhere near the bottom of the river, the cowboy realizes there may have been a minor flaw in the lesson plan.

So the cowboy strips off several pounds of Western civilization and manages to swim back to the riverbank.

There, the cowboy discovers the child sitting safely beside the person who ACTUALLY knew how to perform a water rescue.

And our rough, tough cowboy is standing there…

Naked.

NOBODY thinks the child learned something after all.

NOBODY also thinks the cowboy did.

So, if you are determined to use the THROW THEM IN AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS SCHOOL OF SWIMMING INSTRUCTION, NOBODY offers three suggestions:

1) Choose your water carefully.

Still water seems considerably more sensible than a fast-moving river.

Although NOBODY has heard that STILL WATERS RUN DEEP.

Apparently, EVERYBODY is determined to make this complicated.

2) If YOU are going to be the lifeguard, be prepared to actually BE the lifeguard.

Lose the boots, gun belt, knives, ten pounds of assorted cowboy equipment and anything else likely to make your rescue attempt require a second lifeguard.

In other words:

REMOVE YOUR ARMOR, SIR KNIGHT.

3) Before throwing ANYBODY into the water, make certain SOMEBODY present actually knows how to rescue ANYBODY.