THE WORLD ACCORDING TO NOBODY

WHY NOBODY SHOULD BE BLOGGING

The last thing the world needs is another blog.

Seriously. Have you looked at the Internet lately?

EVERYBODY has an opinion. EVERYBODY has advice. EVERYBODY knows what you’re doing wrong, what you should be eating, what you shouldn’t be eating, who you should vote for, what you should buy, what you shouldn’t buy, and apparently the eleven things you’ve been doing wrong with aluminum foil your entire life. EVERYBODY has a blog to keep you informed on what you are doing that you shouldn’t be doing.

So naturally, since EVERYBODY has been so successful, NOBODY decided to start a blog.

Not because NOBODY is an expert. NOBODY isn’t.

Not because NOBODY is famous. NOBODY isn’t.

And certainly not because the world has been sitting around waiting to hear what NOBODY thinks.

For many years NOBODY has just been watching, listening, and noticing things that EVERYBODY seems to be too busy to notice.

While NOBODY was working on this, NOBODY’s first blog, the phone rang, and NOBODY discovered something: today was NOBODY’s birthday. After having the following conversation with NOBODY’s sister, NOBODY decided the story NOBODY was planning to use would have to wait.

The conversation went something like this, well sorta:

NOBODY: “Hello.”

Sister: “Where are you?”

NOBODY: “At my desk working on my first blog.”

Sister: “Are you coming, or not?”

NOBODY: “Uh, coming where?”

Sister: “To your birthday party!”

NOBODY: “When is it?”

Sister: “RIGHT NOW! EVERYBODY is here waiting for you, NOBODY!”

NOBODY: “Was I told about this?”

Sister: “Well, of course not! It was supposed to be a surprise!”

NOBODY: “Well, it certainly was that! But how was I supposed to know to be there?”

Sister: “You always come by on your birthday! So, we just thought we would wait for you to show up  

               and surprise you.”

NOBODY: “Do you have cake and ice cream?”

Sister: “Of course.”

NOBODY: “Okay, I’ll be right there. On one condition.”

Sister: “What condition?”

NOBODY: “You won’t be offended if I don’t wear a party hat and toot that silly whistle while I drink my ice cream and soggy cake.”

Sister: “Of course I’ll be offended, it’s not a party without a party hat and whistle. Why wouldn’t you want to celebrate?”

NOBODY: “Don’t you think I’m a little old for birthday parties with kiddie treats?”

Sister: “You should never be too old to celebrate your own birthday.”

NOBODY: “Actually, I agree with you. I was celebrating my birthday when you called.”

Sister: “Sitting alone and typing a blog doesn’t sound like much of a celebration to me. What’s wrong with party hats and horns, anyway?”

NOBODY: “Nothing. But at my age, wearing a paper hat is humiliating enough. Then you expect me to toot a horn and blow out enough candles to set off fire alarms in three counties.”

Sister: “There aren’t THAT many candles on the cake.”

NOBODY: “Good. If there are more than five, you’d better have support staff standing by. These old lungs aren’t what they used to be.”

Sister: “So, are you coming or not?”

NOBODY: “Would you be surprised, if I said no?”

Sister: “No, but I would be MAD for a long time.”

NOBODY: “Well, I can’t afford for you to be mad for a long time, so I guess I’ll come.”

Sister: “You better!”

So, NOBODY went to the birthday party, and even had some fun, for a while. EVERYBODY wished NOBODY a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY, clapped NOBODY on the back, and even played some games with NOBODY.

The last game was Charades. It was kind of weird because EVERYBODY gave silly performances trying to get their clues across, while all the younger generation kept asking how they were supposed to guess the answer when all of the clues were in ANTIQUE SCRIPT.

When it was NOBODY’s turn, NOBODY tried every trick NOBODY could think of to give clues that would help EVERYBODY know that the answer was (THE WALKING DEAD). But it seemed as if nobody was paying attention, so to help them NOBODY stiffened, took a few staggering steps, contorted NOBODY’s face, and dragged one foot loudly. NOBODY couldn’t understand why nobody got it. So, as NOBODY’s time was running out, NOBODY dropped to the floor stiff as a board and lay perfectly still.

But alas, instead of shouting out the answer EVERYBODY panicked! Some called 911, while a high school football player jumped in and started crushing NOBODY’s chest with his version of CPR (which looked more like Crush, and Pound, in Rage). When NOBODY finally managed to get out from under the well-meaning TERMINATOR and get up, NOBODY stumbled into the table and EVERYBODY watched as the cake slid to the floor with the melting ice cream landing upside down on top of it. NOBODY looked at it and thought, “Hmm, now I know what a failed MILE HIGH MOCHA would look like.”.

To make a long story short (why do we always say that AFTER the short story has already been made long?), while EVERYBODY stood around looking at the cake and ice cream on the floor, NOBODY grabbed a spoon, sat down, and began eating from the mess on the floor.

Looking around at EVERYBODY staring, NOBODY smiled, wiped some ice cream on NOBODY’s sleeve, and said, “Hey the cleanest stuff is on top, so the longer you stand gawking, the less likely you will get any clean stuff.”

So, EVERYBODY grabbed spoons and joined NOBODY on the floor.

To NOBODY’s amusement, eating ice cream and cake from the floor while the younger generation watched in horror turned out to be the greatest ending to a birthday party NOBODY had ever witnessed.

Is there a moral in this story? Not really. It just helps to prove the not-so-old adage:

‘If NOBODY believes it, why can’t EVERYBODY believe it?’

A Blog by NOBODY important. NOBODY famous.

                                                                                    Just NOBODY paying attention.